I have probably started writing this post 100 times. I have either erased it or talked myself out of hitting the publish button. I was pretty open about losing our second child last Summer, and I only felt it to be fair to share what we have been going through.
Let me start by saying how lucky I am! We have the most perfect child I could have ever dreamed of. I feel like not a minute that goes by I don’t tell The Lord how incredibly blessed and thankful we are to have our sweet girl. But, my heart still hurts for what we don’t have.
As a few of you may know, we recently lost another baby. I went to my first appointment scared to death. Anyone who has miscarried or lost a child during pregnancy knows what I am talking about. I wasn’t having any pain,wasn’t feeling very sick, everything seemed to be alright. I did the whole pee on a stick to confirm your pregnant, had an ultra sound, and got all of my congratulations your having a baby,this is what you need to expect pamphlets. Because of my previous ectopic,the Dr. wanted to send me right away to have my labs drawn. They wanted to keep an eye on my HCG levels to make sure they were rising properly. I scheduled an appointment 2 days later to come in and see how I was doing, and off the hospital I went for my blood draw.
Around 6:00 that evening I started spotting. My Dr. had just told me that a little spotting was perfectly normal and was not a cause for concern. Obviously, a pregnant lady does NOT want to see blood good or bad so of course I was worried. I remember going to bed with an awful feeling that something was very wrong. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was bleeding. Heavily. I tried to relax and go back to sleep because I couldn’t call my Dr. until the morning. I finally made it to 9:00 and I left a message with the nurse and waited by the phone for her to call back. She quickly called me back and told me not to worry, bleeding can be very common and she would call me back with my lab results. I knew I was having a miscarriage, no question about it. She called me back a few hours later and told me that my levels were very low. I was probably starting to having a miscarriage the day I was in the office and just didn’t know it yet. I continued with my appointment the next day and had more labs done. Within 3 days my levels had already fallen below 5 which meant I was no longer pregnant. I was devastated, but oddly enough thankful that my tubes were working and to know that I can indeed still get pregnant.
I can not help but feel to blame. My body is rejecting what we have hoped and prayed for, how can I not blame myself ? Everyone has dreams and expectations of what they want out of life. Mine was always to be was a wife and have a yard full of babies.Why does this keep happening to us? The famous question. It isn’t my place to question God’s plan for us. However,it doesn’t keep me from asking why. It also doesn’t make me feel better for someone to say to me,”This just wasn’t in God’s plan.” Why do these words make me so angry?
So instead of posting our pregnancy announcement or sharing my weekly bump update, here I sit. Sharing our experience so others know they aren’t alone. Here to let everyone know that just because it may look like I’ve got it all together, I still have my struggles. I don’t want to be a bitter person. I don’t want to get upset every time I see a pregnancy announcement. I don’t want to cry every time we cross a date that would have been a mile stone for one of our babies. I don’t want to cringe when someone asks me when we are having more kids. I don’t want to take out my hurt on my husband, which he has taken a lot!
I’ve learned that having feelings doesn’t make me a bad person. I should not feel ashamed,embarrassed, or scared to talk about what we’ve been through . I am not the only one that has felt these feelings or gone through this experience. I know there are some that have gone through way worse than me and my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured! My prayers are with each and every one of you. Sometimes getting to talk to people who have been through similar situations, helps us find comfort in each other. I know everything is going to be ok. I will continue taking everything one day at a time, trusting in The Lord and hugging my baby extra tight!